Vile and Pantsless
Q. What's your favorite dishwashing detergent?
A. I don't have one, because I don't wash the dishes. And that's not because I make my copy editor do them, though he always does for some inexplicable reason. [Ed: Inexplicable. Right.]
Q. You like to eat off dirty dishes?
A. Oh, heavens no. I clean them. I just don't wash them. Have you ever noticed what happens to dishes when you leave them out?
Q. I have, and that's why I wash them.
A. What happens when the mold runs out of food?
Q. It dies, I guess.
A. Exactly. After it's dead, you can just rinse the dishes with water, and they come out clean and fresh as an albino's backside.
Q. Right. Why don't you just get a dog and have it lick the dishes clean for you?
A. Don't be disgusting.
Q. Hi, Clarissa here. When you wrote that Dr. Jackal "broke [the name plate] in half over his mayonnaise-colored knee" were you implying that the evil doctor isn't wearing any pants? Because otherwise how does Our Treehugging Hero know what color the doctor's knees are?
A. That's a spanking good question, and I'm glad you brought it up. Have you ever noticed that rednecks wear as little as they can get away with?
Q. Yeah. I've got a grandpa that wears nothing but boxers and a wifebeater.
A. And possibly a drinking hat if he has to. So if a redneck has a lab coat, why would he need to wear pants?
Q. Ahh, I get it. So, um, what about the wifebeater?
A. It's a status symbol.
Q. Hello. I think you ought to let up on albinos a bit. They've been the butt of your jokes twice now.
A. Honestly, grasshopper, do you think I'm joking? Look at The Da Vinci Code. There's an albino in that, and he's as vile as a thumbscrew.
Q. Not all albinos are vile.
A. All vile people are albinos, which means they've got a serious image problem.
Q. I'm an albino.
A. Your attitude isn't helping your image problem, you know.
A. And you really should wear pants.