Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Scatalogical Sillygism

I've been deluged with questions on my last Q&A with Claire Hitchins, so I've taken a representative sample and answered them here.

Q. I can't believe you resorted to potty humor in an attempt to be funny. Do you have any idea how insulting it is to your readers' intelligence?

A. Who was being funny?

You bring up an interesting point, however, which I had forgotten to communicate in the last Q&A. Woman idling is frequently called scatalogical sillygism, which is Greek for "getting all the burps and farts out so they can be prim and proper in mixed company."

Q. Really. What's man idling called?

A. "Grunting and scratching."

Q. Is there really a place called "Belcher" in Louisiana?

A. Yes. It's a tiny place in the northwest corner of the boot. It has two high schools, each with an average graduating class of 0.4 students.

Q. Regarding the last section of dialogue with Cher, Paris, and Hildegarde: I'd expect women to have more meaningful dialogue in the restroom, or at least use more words than three per sentence. My question is, why did Little Caesar's Pizza start selling round pizzas, and why, if their tag-line is "Pizza-Pizza," do they sell them one at a time now?

A. Excellent questions. Little Caesar's sells round pizzas to cut costs. Calculus tells us that a circle encloses the most area with the least perimeter. Because the bare crust is the most expensive part of a pizza, Little Caesar's realized a 30% increase in profits when they moved to circular pizzas.

Q. Really?

A. No. Regarding your next question: there's no legal requirement for them to sell pizzas in pairs. However, there would be a legal requirement if the restaurant name were double. From 26 U.S. Code 36C.3.14159265:
All mercantile and dining establishments with double names MUST provide nothing but el-cheapo goods in 2-for-1 deals.
So if K-Mart were named "K-Mart K-Mart," you'd have to buy rakes in twos, and they'd fall apart in your hands directly after passing through the cashier aisle.

Q. They do that already.

A. Fascinating.

Q. "El-cheapo" is an anti-Latin-American racist term, you know.

A. Take it up with your senator.

Q. I feel I should set the record straight. Claire was right. When women go to the bathroom, they fix up their hair and makeup, talk about their dates, practice kissing--

A. I can't accept that, because it runs counter to my deductions. Besides, how would they practice kissing? Do they lean over the sinks and snog the spigots?

Q. Are "actioned" and "gestured" really invisible words? I thought invisible words were things like "a" and "the."

A. "Actioned" and "gestured" are invisible words to the wicked literate. We know that idling actions don't really matter.

Q. They don't look invisible to me.

A. What do you think that means about you?

Q. I don't get what you mean at the end, when you say that your mother is a woman. Do you really mean that she's a garden lizard, or that she eats bugs, or something else?

A. Yes.

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