Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Exchanging Injectives and Trousers

Q. Since learning about "alright," I've been working on finding posterior injective forms so I can write better complimentary sentences that contain, or are followed by, caveats. So far, I've discovered "almighty" (for "all mighty") and "altogether" (for "all together"). I'm having trouble finding more. Can you help me?

A. It's natural to not be able to spot these very well when you're first clawing your way out of illiterate Philistinehood. I'll give you some examples in a piece of prose, and that should help you get started finding more.
My alcoholic relatives from Alabama went to the store to pick up some new alweather, alpurpose tires; however, Aunt Millie got alhot and bothered, but they gave her alot of egg albumen (which she didn't like at al) and now she's albetter.

Q. Do you have any pets?

A. I do! I have a pet python, which I'm really attached to. His favorite thing is to wind himself around me, especially my neck. It's abominably cute.

[Ed: Actually, it's a garden snake. However, such facts have never deterred Mr. Writing Person before, so why should they now?]

Q. Hi. This is in regards to building a party for a fantasy novel. I've heard before that you're required to have a grumpy dwarf, a lithe but hunky elf, a brooding ranger, a stuck-up royalty figure, and a wizard, but I've never heard that the wizard had to be gay. What are you basing this on?

A. The wizard Gandalf in Lord of the Rings is gay.

Q. Ian McKellen, the actor who played Gandalf, is gay.

A. Can I help it if that particular trait shone like a lighthouse?

Q. You really need to develop a sense of reality.

A. Come back after you've discovered why New York stop signs are written in both Latin characters and Braille. Then we'll talk about reality.

Q. I have a question about your last Q&A. I had trouble suspending disbelief even before finding out that Norbert hadn't rolled any stats, and I'm a little disappointed that you didn't point out the problem areas. For example, why would Stinky the dwarf need the One Trousers? Why couldn't he just squat in a corner?

A. In the middle of battle?

Q. Norbert had Fabio take off his pants in the middle of a battle.

A. Please notice that he did not succeed.

Q. Oh.

A. Actually, adventurers are generally quite skilled at exchanging trousers in the middle of a battle, though it is a tricky maneuver. Fabio flubbed it, apparently. If Norbert had bothered to roll stats, he might have discovered that Fabio's agility was to blame--it was probably under 14.

Q. What about that second gratuitous romantic encounter with Fabio with eleven flaming arrows sticking out of his chest? How does that work?

A. You've clearly never played pinochle before.

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