Friday, May 12, 2006

Illiterate Philistines

The only thing harder than discussing great writing with an illiterate Philistine is getting one to produce great writing.

Here, on this blog, I will post actual Q&A sessions that I've actually had, which I am not making up, with various Philistines who wish (or have wished) to become great writers. These morsels of counsel will cover the whole gamut of becoming a celebrated author, from hooks to plotting to manuscript preparation to proper flamboyancy at book signings.

I'm doing this because although most of the world at large is not worthy to put a pen to a piece of paper (or a mouse pointer to a multi-line rich text edit control, or even their concentration to a novel; heck, most aren't worthy to park themselves on the crapper and read the latest Reader's Digest), I have God-like compassion upon them all. I was once an illiterate Philistine myself. I had to pull myself up from the dregs and over the brim by my own bootstraps. I broke a fair few. Fortunately, they were leather, and tasted great with A.1. Steak Sauce. That was a big plus when I was still a starving writer, living mostly off of Top Ramen fumes.

(That last paragraph was a prime example of a standard deviation, which serves to draw the reader further into the narrator's point of view. See? You're learning already!)

Those who heed my words will become infamous. Those who do not will, um, not. It's that simple.

By the way, I just noticed that "Illiterate Philistines" would make a great name for a rock band. Outrageous.


At 1:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Illiterate Philistines is already taken as a band name.

-- Igor, Bassist, Illiterate Philistines


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